My husband and I have always wanted to have a bigger family. However, although we love our children dearly, their births were very traumatic. If you can imagine going into what should be one of the most exciting times of your life with fear of what the hospital bureaucracy was going to do to you, then you can know where we are coming from. We were left fearing the very people that are supposed to take care of us. Our first child, N, had spent one useless week in NICU because of “policies and procedures,” and we spent our entire time at the hospital with both children feeling like prisoners desperate to escape.
We began talking about having another child when our second child, our first daughter, turned one. DH was so excited and eager. Several days before I could test he gave me a very special gift. I have the same baby book for both N and I, but it was discontinued. He began looking for a copy of it in April, and he kept it to give to me when I was pregnant. I cried because I could not believe what an incredible gift it was. It was not something I had discussed with him, just something he noticed. DH is like that, though. He is very romantic and always paying attention to details like that.
Since I have a history of ectopic pregnancy that left me with only one tube and ovary, I need to have an ultrasound at the beginning of the pregnancy to be sure that the baby is in the right place. I made an appointment with an OB/GYN who marketed herself as “natural childbirth friendly.” All was well. What happened next blew me away.
The doctor, Dr. B., wanted to do a pap smear. I would normally not object, but I had one just two months prior to that exam in her office. It seemed pretty useless. I was told the pap was required. Then there were extra swabs out, and I asked what they were testing for, to which I was informed yeast infection. I explained that I did not want that test. I was told it was policy, and I could not decline the test. (I later learned that I was lied to, since that is a test for Sexually Transmitted Diseases. No wonder insurance premiums are high… I have no need for that type of test.) Although I was irritated, I complied.
Dr. B comes in the room, and I mention that I want to have a natural childbirth. She immediately begins talking down to me as if I was an idiot, and explains that it is way too dangerous, not to mention all my problems that I bring to the table. You see, I am overweight. I guess she thought I was not aware of that when I came in to see her, so she took every opportunity to point it out to me. I have never in my life been treated as disrespectfully or as much like a moron as I was in that visit.
Dr. B was convinced that I was a liar about the ectopic drama, that I was unable to walk a block, and despite my protests that I was neither she was convinced that I was a gestational diabetic and had problems with PIH (Pregnancy Induced Hypertension). She looked at me like I was nuts when I said that I thought my large babies were caused by having a large father, and that they continued to be big once out of the womb as well. She discussed setting up my c-section for 37 weeks; because there was no way that someone my size could go beyond that mark, and “we would be lucky” to make it that long in the pregnancy.
I spent the next several hours crying. I did not make a follow up appointment, but I figured that regardless of what decision I made, this was probably as good as it was going to get. I knew that if that was my option, I was not going to be seeing a doctor. I had full confidence that I could walk into any ER and get a c-section if I wanted one. The same could not be said for a vaginal birth, which seemed like a distant dream.
I am now thankful to the Lord for that horrible appointment. I had wanted to try a midwife or do some alternative to the traditional system, but it did not seem possible. Now that I knew I could not continue to go the other route, it was much more possible. My husband also became much more interested in the alternative, after seeing how badly I felt after that appointment.
I had a very dear friend named Delilah who talked to me after that horrible visit, and told me about a midwife who was a friend of hers who would take VBACs. I had contacted one midwife prior to the Dr. B visit, and she did not take VBA2Cs. I had assumed that was how it would go with all midwives, but she directed me to someone who could help. Her name was M, and she had a birth center. DH and I immediately thought she was great. She was not worried about me trying for a VBA2C, or that I was overweight. She thought we would do great. Her optimism really brought a part of the excitement of the birth process back to us, because she offered us some hope that we could do this. We just loved her, the center, and the idea that we actually had a chance to do things differently. M wrote us the sweetest note about how she knew we would have a great delivery, and was the first person to find Sarah’s heartbeat.
Tragedy struck, and M was killed in a car accident. Although we did not know her well, she had already worked her way into our hearts. She had given us hope that we could have a normal delivery, and the Lord had used her mightily in our lives. We could not imagine what her family was going through, and our hearts just broke for them. It was so hard to think of someone so young and beautiful with a family passing away. And then, we were sad that we might be back to where we started as well. (Although we were much more upset for her family’s loss, as we had faith that the Lord would provide a way for us.) M’s partner J took us as one of her patients, for which we were very thankful. J began seeing us when we were about 18 weeks pregnant.
At 20 weeks we had the standard sonogram appointment. The lady who did the sono was not very friendly. She saw a fibroid that was keeping the placenta from attaching properly to the uterine wall, and was on top of my prior c-section scars no less. We were so scared. We did not know, until we began to research at home, that this was a danger of having had a c-section. We also did not realize that with every section the chance of this condition (known as Placenta Accreta) increases. That was an eye-opening experience.
We were never told the dangers of having sections. We asked about the risks, but we were not told that this was yet another side effect. The doctor, who did my first two sections, first for CPD, and the second for failed induction, knew we wanted a larger family, but said that he personally had done 5 sections on one person, so we did not think that having them was dangerous. Not true. The danger of placenta accreta increases dramatically with each incision. Furthermore, we learned after the first section that ectopic pregnancy is a danger as well. We learned that… after an ectopic pregnancy, miscarriage and subsequent removal of my left tube and ovary.
At first, we were both just so scared and so upset. It did not seem possible that we were having yet another side effect from having a section. After a day or two I really began to have no fear. None. I really felt in my heart that everything would be fine, and I could not explain it but I felt it was the Lord granting me the peace.
The day of our level two [sonogram], Delilah went with us to the appointment. DH and I were afraid we might be emotional and not think through all of our questions properly. Delilah is one of the most detailed and knowledgeable people I know. She is also one of the most compassionate and caring believers that I have met. Delilah prayed for us, and we shared a few laughs before getting started.
The girl came in to do the sono and asked if we had any questions. We told her we were hoping to see if we were having a boy or a girl. She saw almost immediately and said, "It’s a girl!! DH and I looked at each other and at the same time, said, it’s Sarah! As she was scanning, we were able to see so much detail. I cried at seeing her heart beating because it was so clear and so beautiful. Watching her move around was such a gift. We asked if she saw any problems and she said no, but the doctor will be here soon.
The doctor came in, and was so much nicer than I expected. We also had a laugh with him early in his visit, because I asked him about his published works in the Journal of Perinatology. He was very surprised I knew about that, and I told him I look up all my providers. He thought that was pretty funny, and said I was the first patient who had ever said that.
He reviewed the images that the sonographer had taken, and then went to scanning on his own. After he was finished he said, your placenta is nowhere near your scar site, and you do not have a fibroid. We were stunned. We still had the last sono on tape, and you could see the growth under the placenta. The doctor said it could have been a weird contraction of the uterus, but it should not have lasted the entire sono. He had no explanation at all that was adequate. I choose to take it as a miracle. We left there praising God, and thanking Him for His graciousness, and provision. Delilah, when she prayed for us, told us to pray boldly. It’s safe to say, none of us expected that answer, though!
Our next big pregnancy milestone was taking Delilah's childbirth classes in January. We learned how making one choice often means making other decisions inadvertently. Such as getting an epidural usually means consenting to Pitocin, a bladder catheter, and a fetal scalp [monitor]. We had not really thought of that before.
In February, at the request of J, I began seeing a chiropractor to help get Sarah into a proper position. I cannot stress how skeptical I was at going this route. I was convinced it was a waste of money, but I thought, I will do it, since it was requested of me, and I don’t believe it will hurt anything. I met the doctor, and she was really sweet, and I felt convinced that she believed in what she was doing. She ran a few tests, and it showed a few things that were not correct, and then told me I should come three times a week. It was going to be expensive!! But we had the medical care account so I thought okay, I will do this.
Boy, was I surprised when I told her about my tailbone, which had hurt since N was born, and she believed she could correct the problem. She explained that usually the bone doesn’t break in labor (what I had been told); rather, it gets bent out of shape and causes pain. She said that had it been broken it would have healed, and then I would not be in pain, but being bent out of shape, it could cause pain indefinitely. So, she pushed my tailbone back where it belonged. I have not had pain in my butt since!! DH asked me afterwards if it was worth the over $500 we were going to pay out of pocket to go to the chiro, and I explained that I would have paid much more than that to have my butt fixed! He laughed and agreed. I am now a big fan of chiropractics. Oh, and when Sarah was transverse, she flipped head down within a week of getting my adjustments. I felt like my lesson here was that the Lord was teaching me to be more open-minded. I hope it is a lesson learned.
In March, DH and I ended up having an off-handed conversation about birth, where I told him that I thought I would like to have a home birth. He is so amazing! DH told me that he had felt that way for some time, and was going to discuss it with me. I was so amazed that I married such a wonderful guy, and so excited that we were on the same page and going to have Sarah at home!
The next big surprise for March came toward the end of the month… I was given a surprise shower. I was so emotional, because no one had ever done anything so nice for me before. I was surrounded by people that I just loved so much…. All these amazing friends that I had made, and I had the best time. After the shower, DH gave me a special letter that he had written with a prayer. He never counts it enough to write them, he always reads his letters to me too. What a gift. I will treasure these memories for all my life. And I praise God for giving me such a wonderful husband and beautiful friends!
One of the other issues we were having was with our midwife. I started to feel like we were making her nervous. It was not something I could really pin down, but I thought maybe because we were a VBA2C. However that seemed unlikely because she was once in our shoes. I don’t really know what started to cause these doubts to creep up in my mind, but they were there. DH was getting less content and more nervous as our due date approached, because he felt like we were going to have to grapple somewhat with our care provider. She is a loving and wonderful woman, but she seemed to vacillate between 'everything is great' to 'this pregnancy is not going so well.'
I had no complications with the pregnancy. My glucose was wonderful, my blood pressures were great, I had gained a relatively small amount of weight, and I was doing what I was told. However, one of the herbs that I was asked to take, on one occasion, made my blood pressure go up and caused some swelling. I am not a big pill taker, herb or not, so I was not too concerned, since I knew it must be the cause of the elevated BP. Immediately after quitting the herb, the swelling and my blood pressure both returned to normal. This did not seem to go over well, and I started feeling like I was reassuring my care provider that all would be well on one visit, and then she would be happy the next visit. It was very odd.
Luckily she had a student C (who was about to graduate) working with her, and I always felt like she was on my side. She was always very upbeat, and when we asked about doing a home birth, she was clearly so excited that you could not wipe the smile off her face. She always made me feel better, and I always felt like she was listening when I spoke. C was also so sweet because she so badly wanted to be at our birth. We were so excited to have her there too!
As my LMP due date approached and went, I was not worried. The ultrasound due date (4-27) came and went, and she still wasn’t here. That was okay. However, this is when the questions start coming. “When are you going to have that baby?” “You’re STILL pregnant?” Those questions… booming from friends and people who check you out at the store. At this point, I was taking Evening Primrose Oil orally and vaginally, as well as taking the herb that originally raised my BP in order to start labor. I was walking, sitting on my birth ball, going to the chiro, eating spicy foods, and doing just about every thing you could think of. Every night I was going to bed thinking this could be the night that I wake DH up to tell him I am in labor.
At 40 weeks 3 days I allowed the only check I would have before labor. J checked me and I had a very anterior cervix that was mushy. I was dilated to two centimeters. YES! I was making progress and my body was working. Although I consented to this check, I was so grateful to not be getting checked all that time. I really liked not having to take my clothes off and go through the whole checking process. It was so freeing just to say no. I thought it would be hard not knowing, but it really was for the best. When I did get checked it was to confirm what I already knew, and to give my midwife a chance to see where I was. Although admittedly this check was just a check and really meant nothing in the whole scheme of time, it was good mentally for me to have this one done.
On the day that I turned 41 (by sono) weeks, I lost my mucus plug. I was also having prodromal labor. I would contract every 15-20 minutes and it would go most all day and end at night. The contractions were never that bad, and they did not bother me, other than they never seemed to bring on labor! I started having bloody show two days later, so I knew that my cervix was changing then too! Now, if I would just go into labor… but I went through the weekend with no labor.
Monday, May 8th
J was not worried when we went past the 4-27 date. (I lied about my LMP to give myself an extra week.) In fact, she said that she would let me go past the 42 week mark. However, when we hit the 41 week mark with no baby, she started to get concerned. The biophysical profile test that she had said I would need after 42 weeks she wanted at 41 weeks. I took the first BPP at 41 and 3 days. Everything was great. Sarah was doing really well, she scored a 6 out of 8, which we were told was a great score.
We took the results to the office, and J was not impressed. In fact, it seemed to really build her concerns. In a move that seemed really unusual for J, she and her partner started getting onto me in the open front office. We were the only clients there, but I was really unnerved by this. I felt like I was being tag-teamed. When we arrived at the office, I was contracting and having bloody show. By the time we left, both contractions and bloody show had stopped completely.
J was very concerned that I had not gone into labor, and told me that I needed to do something to bring it on. This language somewhat surprised me because I thought that labor was not in my hands. She told me that the sono I had was not as good as having a radiologist-read scan so I would have to go back and do one the next day, and then maybe even the day after that, as long as the results were good. But that I would have to have the baby before I turned 42 weeks. I was told that I needed to take castor oil, have sex, continue the EPO, and let her strip my membranes. I told them I would think about these things, and let them know.
There was so much pressure at this visit. I never dreamed I would feel the pressure of the clock before I ever went into labor, and that is exactly what I was feeling. (This was one of my big labor fears, that I would have to have the baby by a certain time or I would be sent to the hospital for a section.) I cannot write down how scared and uncertain I felt after this visit. When I called Delilah, I was in tears. I did not know what to think or do still, but eventually I knew that things would be okay. I felt very lifted up by prayer, and I was weak and bruised, but far from beaten. I told Delilah to please keep having her prayer warriors lift me up as she had been.
We went to bed that night with a few decisions made. One, I would not have my membranes stripped. I had Group B Strep, and I did not want antibiotics which might or might not spare Sarah the infection. We would think about the castor oil later, and we were not doing it before we went to bed or the next morning.
Tuesday, May 9th
The funny thing about the 9th of May is that this was the day that C returned from her graduation from midwifery school. So, she could be at our labor after all, which if I had to go later, that seemed like a great thing to hold out for! We knew that the phone was going to be ringing asking us to make a decision, and DH without my knowing called up J and told her we would not make any decisions that day. We were going to the zoo and spend time together as a family; we were not going to do the BPP. He felt we were justified in the decision since the first BPP was so good.
We had a great time at the zoo. J called [afterwards] and was really upset that we did not do the BPP. After that, DH took the phones off of the hook. I think every ounce of strength I had was gone by the end of Tuesday. I cried, DH cried, and we both prayed. This was the hardest day of the entire pregnancy.
I was asked a question by someone unexpected, and it hit me very hard. The question was when was I going to give up? When was the magic date? The answer was simple, I had no clue, but I could not take many more days like Tuesday. I was going to lose my mind if I did. I was beginning to think that maybe I was going too far, but I always came back to the BPP from the day before… how could she be so healthy, and then not be? She was moving around, and I knew in my heart that she was fine. At this point I was required to take fetal movements three times a day. I did them more like five times a day, and she was always hitting her number of movements within 30 seconds. These were not the signs of a baby in trouble. DH and I just held on, and decided that we would pray and take things one day at a time. We were both so exhausted that we just went to bed.
As an interesting side note, there was a girl online who had been fighting being induced and although she lived in where the midwife standard of care is used, she was well past her due date and getting frustrated. She kept insisting on not being induced, but finally went in for induction and ended up with a c-section. I was really sad for her; I think I was identifying with her. She and I were the last on the board of April Moms that I knew of. I guess you could say, and then there was one.
Wednesday, May 10th
What a difference a day makes! When I got out of bed, I felt really good. I felt so strong, almost like I could fly. DH was very beaten down, and it was clear on his face, but I kept telling him all would be okay, and that we would have this baby very, very soon. I could feel it. I told him that all the prayers people were praying were lifting me up. My optimism even spread to DH.
We went and did a second BPP in the middle of the day. This turned out to be a blessing. Our scanner for the day was so nervous about doing this scan and doing it correctly that he took measurements multiple times! The good news was that I was fine and so was Sarah. She had great fluid levels, he saw fetal breathing motions, and all her parts were accounted for and functioning great. She had an estimated weight of 9lbs 12 oz. The scan had taken about an hour and a half because he was working so hard at doing a good job… When I got up to leave I had a contraction, and he said, "We were all afraid you would go into labor and have your baby here." I laughed!! I said if that was all it took, I would have come here weeks ago!
Delilah and her doula apprentice daughter Vanessa came over later that afternoon, which was great. We all knew that on Friday my dates were going to exceed my midwife’s protocols. So, if I did not have Sarah by then, I was going to have to do something else. The conversation about options went on for quite some time, and it was good to get all the cards laid out on the table. That night my DH and I went to bed feeling good, but knowing that we had one day to go into labor. I had a feeling we were not going to do that, but I was optimistic that everything would be fine.
Thursday, May 11th When I woke up on Thursday, I did not feel as high as I did on Wednesday, but I knew I was still lifted up. I knew I would not go into labor. I knew that Sarah was going to come in the Lord’s timing. I had quit taking the herbs, and I was not doing anything artificial to bring on labor.
That morning I spoke with J and she had to lay her cards out on the table, and I felt bad, but I know that she was disappointed in me that I would not take the advice of castor oil, herbs, membrane stripping, etc. I did not think that making myself as sick as a dog was the way to go into labor. What if I had a long labor, and nothing left to give because I was so sick? What if it had an effect on Sarah and or put us both in danger? What if it wasn’t time for her to be born yet? I thought N’s induction might have worked had he been in a better position and ready to be born. I had dilated quickly, but he was in an awful position. J’s point was that I was headed to a section the next day if I did not have her and was it worth it to put all my eggs in those baskets. I knew that I would not willingly lay on the table at that point. Not with Sarah doing so well.
Really, wasn’t that the question…When would I give up? I can’t tell you how many times I was asked this question in various forms. When will you end this, Why won’t you just have a section, A section's not that bad…and my favorite, Why won’t you put your baby first? I was frequently made to feel like I was so selfish for holding out, which is ridiculous. Sarah was doing great. I felt like I was being made out to be a bad mother for waiting.
I think it is important to say until I felt that the Lord was leading me on that path, and as long as all the tests said that Sarah was fine, I was not going to willingly lay myself down and have my body violated at my own request. If Sarah was ever in any danger, I would have been the happiest c-section patient ever operated on. I really believe that holding off was in Sarah’s best interest. C-sections are a wonderful option for women and babies in danger, but not for a perfectly healthy baby and mother.
After talking to J, I was very upset. I knew what she would say, and I knew she was in a difficult position. Her protocols required her to give my care over. I understood, and I knew it was coming. I went to the chiropractor for an adjustment, and Dr. M did some additional pressure points. Her husband Dr. P did acupuncture. On my prior acupuncture visits the whole procedure was pretty pain free; this time that was not the case. He was determined to bring on contractions, and he kept upping the TENS unit (adding electrical stimulation to the acupuncture needles); I was very uncomfortable…but I was having contractions. I was at the office for about two hours. Poor DH and Delilah were worried when I didn't call immediately afterwards, and DH even called the chiro's office to see if I was okay. Everyone knew I was upset.
When I came home Delilah told me about a midwife she had called that morning and asked about me hypothetically. The midwife, M, had already called her back and asked why the hypothetical client hadn’t called her. Before I could get off the phone with Delilah, J called, and I could sense her disappointment in me, as well as at the situation that we were in. I called Delilah back, had a good cry over the situation, yet again, and we agreed that I would get off the phone, refresh, pray and call M.
M was such a pleasure to talk to. I said, “Hi, I am the hypothetical patient that Delilah told you about!” To which she replied that she had been waiting on my call. We both laughed. She was not at all concerned about my having had two prior sections, as long as I realized what the risks were, and she was not worried at all that I was starting my (ahem) 42nd week. (Again, I was not telling that by LMP I was 43 weeks.) The first thing that she said that made me take a huge deep breath was after I made a comment of falling out of the norms by going late. She immediately corrected me and said, you fell out of the averages, not out of normal. I don’t know how I did not fall out of my chair when she said that. Tears of joy came to my eyes, and I told her, you are so right. We spoke for quite some time, and agreed to meet in her office the next afternoon.
After we spoke, I called DH and told him I really, really liked her, and that I was confident that we had a care provider. Then I called Delilah, who upon hearing my voice, said I can hear your relief. She was right. I was so relieved. I had a back-up plan, and I knew that I could go ahead and gestate in peace now. It was like having a huge burden taken off of my back. I felt like it was okay to go into labor. However, that was the first night that DH and I went to bed and I told him tonight would not be the night. I knew I needed the rest, because Friday was going to be another hard day.
Friday, May 12th
Friday was the day that I needed to meet with J in order to get my discharge from her practice. I knew it was coming, and I was outside her protocols. I knew the Lord would give me the strength to do what I needed to do and the grace to handle J with love and mercy… like I expected her to treat me too.
When I arrived I was surprised to see C there. Friday was not a day she worked, and I knew she was there out of support for me. What an amazing gesture, and she will never know how the Lord blessed me through her. I brought up that I knew J was here to discharge my care, and I told her that I understood. She asked me if I was going to go to an OBor hospital to have a section. I said no. She explained that she thought that I was making a mistake. I said I know that you do, but I don’t believe that I am making a mistake.
She then asked me the million dollar question…When will you give up? I gave my truthful and usual answer, “I don’t know.” She explained that every day I was past due increased the chances of bad things happening. I explained that I had read up on post-maturity syndrome, and that I was aware of the dangers. J went on to share information that did not necessarily correspond with what I had read completely. I then said, “Well, no one is pregnant forever, and I know my body will go into labor when it is time.” (Immediately Isaiah 66:9 came to mind,"Do I bring to the moment of birth and not give delivery?" says the LORD. "Do I close up the womb when I bring to delivery?" says your God.) J’s answer to this was surprising. She said that not everyone goes into labor, and that I could be one of them. She had seen it many times.
At this point I realized that we had a core philosophy difference. I did believe that, given time, my body would work. I had no idea why I had not gone into labor like the averages said I should, but I did not think it was my time yet. She thought that my body had failed. The big problem that I had here was that she had experience, and I was going on theory. That is one of the things that made C’s being there so special. It was okay for me to stand up and make this stance because I was not alone, operating on theory. There was someone else there who was standing up with me; someone with experience and ability, and who shared my philosophy. I was able to stand firm, and lovingly disagree with J.
Finally J had me sign a document to absolve her of any poor decisions that I made from that point forward. I knew that the language would be strong, but I did not agree with the paper that I signed, and I felt like it was scare tactics. However, I signed my name. I did it quickly and quietly, and just wanted to leave then. I only signed that form for J’s peace of mind. If anyone else had requested that of me, I would have refused. I did give J a hug, promised to bring Sarah to see her, and thanked her for all the help and care up to that point. It was clear that we both disagreed with the other’s decisions that day, but I know to the core of my being that that visit was not easy for J, and that she was giving me the best care she could. We just didn't agree on what was best. C and I said quick goodbyes in the parking lot, and I verified that she would be willing to work with M on my birth. Her smile was amazing!
At this point I was off to go meet M. We spoke to each other for almost two hours. She shared birth stories with us that made me cry. She explained that going 42 weeks wasn’t abnormal, and that she herself went almost 44 weeks with her daughter, and that her mother went beyond 44 weeks. She told us how much she loves doing VBAC's because women appreciate so much more the gift of natural birth when they have had the alternative. We just loved M, and DH was so relaxed with her. They were joking together and I thought wow, this is great. We were completely at ease with her.
Toward the end of the visit, she wanted to check heart tones and gave us a heart monitor in case my water broke at home. This way we could monitor for problems such as prolapse right after. I asked her if she wanted to check me and she said nope, not if you are Strep B positive. I was so excited! Another thing we were on the same page about. When M checked Sarah’s heart rate, she had to place the monitor very, very low. She asked if this is where it was normally heard and I said no. She said she is into your pelvis if the heartbeat is gotten that low. She did not think that CPD would be a problem. This was not something I could fully register with more than a giggle right then. From this point forward there were a lot of things that I couldn’t fully understand or appreciate until hindsight.
As we were leaving, DH handed over the credit card for our down payment, and I ran to the bathroom. M was actually going to do our birth. I was so calm and so excited. I felt like I could dance. Amazingly enough, the bloody show returned. Maybe we would be calling M in the middle of the night….
Saturday, May 13th
The next morning I woke up, and almost immediately began having contractions. This was nothing new. In fact, it had been going on during my waking hours for at least 10 days.
I called Delilah to vent my frustration. She assured me that it was normal to do this, and told me the story of the Little Engine that Could. Each time I did this, I was getting somewhere, and to keep thinking I can. Eventually I would get over the hill and all the children would cheer because I had the candy and toys. The visualization made me laugh, and for whatever reason stuck with me.
After [taking the kids to a birthday party], Delilah called and asked how I was doing. I explained that I still thought this wasn’t labor, but the contractions were getting much closer together, like 5-7 minutes apart. She suggested that she come over anyway, and if nothing else, be there for our appointment with M when she came over to do our home visit. [When Delilah arrived], I asked if she would help wash the table off. DH teased Delilah about our getting the platinum doula services. She was cleaning our house… would she mind mowing the yard? Delilah laughed, and declined to provide the mowing services. She said she thought we might need her help today and she did not want to smell bad.
I still disagreed about the idea of my being in labor, but gosh those contractions were coming quickly, every 3 minutes. D thought I should call M just to give her a heads-up. But I had thought so many times this might be labor and every time I was wrong. I did not want to embarrass myself in front of this new midwife. Finally Delilah said, “Do you mind if I call her?” I agreed. I nearly cried even then because I just knew I was making too much of this. But I was having a hard time controlling my emotions, and I was on the verge of tears.
When Delilah called M, she asked her if she had her birth supplies. It never dawned on me that she might need extra supplies and more of a warning. Luckily M was close by with her student and she had all her supplies. She was surprised that I was having contractions since she had talked to me earlier and I said nothing about them.
M and her student arrived. M had a huge smile on her face and asked me if I thought we might have a baby today. I told her, I don’t know. I wondered if she would check me and tell me if I was in labor or if this was more of the prodromal labor-ish stuff. She said sure, and that while she was at it, she would do a pelvic assessment. When she checked me on the bed, she said, “No need to do a pelvic assessment, your pelvis is perfect fine since your baby is already down, you are dilated to a four, fully effaced, and have a bulgy bag.” I immediately began to cry. MY BODY WAS WORKING! I WENT INTO LABOR ON MY OWN!!!! I had not done anything to bring on labor, but my time was at hand. PRAISE GOD!!!
Delilah called C, and she was on her way to assist with M! YEAH! Things were starting to move right along. M took my blood pressure and it was 104/60. I was so relaxed! It’s great being at home! Don’t get me wrong, the contractions were causing me to take notice and breathe. But I was so excited and riding so high.
I decided to take a shower. I asked M if it was okay, and DH said, "Brandy, this is your house, and your decision. If you want to take a shower, then take one." While in the shower, the contractions really kicked it up a notch. They were almost unbearable. I felt nauseous, weak, and like I could not keep doing this. What a huge change! The water felt great on my back, and the cold of the shower wall felt great on my forehead, but the contractions had really gotten so close together it felt like they were on top of each other. Standing had always made the contractions worse, but wow. This was really intense! I got out of the shower and asked if I could be checked again. I thought it’s time for this baby to come out now!! M checked me and I was a 5. DH was really pumped, and I was like what??? Only a five?? I had a miniature panic in my head thinking, "I can’t do this."
When I laid down, the contractions were still coming, but were more bearable. DH had the big fan going, and he cuddled me, Delilah was offering verbal comfort, and making sure I was comfortable. C was there answering too and rubbing my legs. I was really afraid I was going to blow this opportunity. But as I laid down, closed my eyes and things got quiet, the only person I was aware of being there was DH. Things were quiet, and I felt like I was regaining strength. The contractions were coming, but laying down on my left side they were less intense. This break really helped me get my thoughts back together, and I prayed for strength and wisdom. I opened my eyes and I was so surprised to see Delilah still there. I had really phased out, and only knew DH was there with me. She was sitting on the floor reading the Bible, and when she saw my eyes were open again, she read to us a Psalm that she was reading and praying for us. It was a beautiful moment.
After she finished, I asked if I could have my birth ball, since I wanted to sit rather than lay down and slow things down. I was under much more control by God’s Grace and it was time to get down to business. C came in the room, and Delilah and DH helped me get on the birth ball.
Periodically throughout all of this they would come in and take the fetal heart tones, but I don’t know how often. Time was pretty meaningless. I remember thinking as the contractions were on top of each other on the birth ball that I could not do this for another 12 hours. The contractions had gotten to where they were just on top of each other. They were not impossible to ride through, but some really were so painful. I was thinking in between how different this was than pitocin contractions. Pitocin had the contractions right together, but the pain with the Pit was so different, and so much larger than these contractions. It was helping me deal with the contractions I was having, to think about that.
I suddenly felt a popping sensation, and I thought my water must have broken. Turns out I was wrong, but Delilah said you should get up and go to the bathroom. I had been having trouble getting urine out, and it had been a while since I went to the bathroom. I agreed, but when I stood up, I started pushing!!!
The sensation for me was very overwhelming. I wasn’t sure I could move, and I was amazed at the power going through my body. M came in to check me, and told me I was complete except for a cervical lip. She said she could break my water to help the lip disappear and I all but begged her to break my water. She told me to get up on the bed kneeling and leaning over pillows...
M broke the bag of water. DH stood next to me, and Delilah got on the other side of the bed to help comfort me. Delilah also got cool rags, and made sure the pillows were in the right spot for me to be as comfortable as possible. I looked at the clock for the first time and took in the time. It was 8:10pm.
I had said that I did not want to be told when to push or how to push, unless it would keep me from tearing. M and C were great. They told me that I should avoid pushing unless I could not help it since I still had the cervical lip. They said that the lip was disappearing with little pushes. Once the lip was gone, they told me to push, but take my time about it.
Once I began pushing, M and C were putting warm compresses on the perineal area. THAT FELT SO GOOD. It made it so much easier for me to calmly push, and felt so good in between the pushes. As I continued to push the feeling became less overwhelming and much more empowering. I could hear DH praying for me, and everyone assured me I was doing great. I was having a hard time believing she was coming out though. I kept asking DH over and over if she was really coming. I was sweating like I have never sweated in my life, and I felt like I was grunting so loud with each push. I was sure I was scaring my kids! I am told that I was not that loud, but in my brain I was really, really loud. I continued to pray in between contractions, and even once “yelled” for the Lord to help me. He certainly did.
I continued to ask DH repeatedly if she was really coming. I was afraid that I was not doing things right. Finally, Delilah tells me that they can see her head, and M invites me to feel her head. I was sure I did not have the ability and strength to do that, but I asked DH to look. He said he could see her head, and it gave me renewed energy to draw from. I was actually pushing out my baby. I started to enjoy the pushing as much as a person can when they are at that stage. M would tell me when to stop to avoid tearing, and I started to recognize the sensation and stop before she said to. She would point to different areas on my perineal area, and tell me to relax/melt that part. I have no idea how, but when she touched it, I was able to relax that area. (Later she told me that she had read that from a famous midwife’s book, and she did not know how it worked either, but it did.)
Finally they tell DH come down here to catch your daughter. I was so excited, and I just could not believe that my husband was about to catch our baby. Her head was totally out, and I needed to push out her shoulders and body. She had not made a noise yet, and I was told there was quite a bit of meconium. I finally gave a last push, and I felt her body come out of my body.
I JUST DELIVERED OUR BABY. I could not believe it. DH was laughing that Sarah had more of a controlled fall than him catching her, and was kissing me and telling me how beautiful she was. I kept waiting for her to cry though. I was getting scared, and M told me that she was great, she just wasn’t ready to cry yet. She was still getting the cord blood and was going to be fine, but we would not be able to harvest the cord blood cells because she needed them. Since we had the meconium it was ideal that she start breathing on her own, rather than suck in the fluid. M and C got out the syringe and asked Sarah to please not make them do that to her. When they said that to her, she immediately began crying. What an amazing noise!!
I started to cry and said, “CPD my ass!!!” (What an incredibly crass thing to come from my mouth at such a beautiful moment!) I could not believe that I had just given birth to our daughter. The tears were just flowing. I also made mention of the Little Engine that Could and told Delilah that that children were cheering.
I wanted to see Sarah and I needed to flip over. Since she was still attached, this was going to be a little tricky, combined with the fact that there was meconium all over. As I was flipping over to sit down, the placenta came out. I apologized! I had never felt another contraction and was not aware it was coming! I was appalled that I could be so unaware of the placenta coming out!
Sarah was so beautiful, and reminded me so much of our son N. She looked so much like him when he was born. DH cut Sarah’s cord, and she began to nurse. It was so awesome! I was so thankful to everyone for being there, and for making her birth so beautiful. I was so humbled, and amazed, and just felt so much disbelief that I had just had our daughter. We called our moms to let them know.
I got up and went to the bathroom and took an herbal bath. DH took Sarah to meet N and I. They were a little surprised but very excited by their little sister. M did a quick check on me. My bleeding was great, so there was no need for any kind of Pitocin shot. My uterus was feeling like it should, and was shrinking like it needed to. But the best news of all was that I did not have any kind of tear or even a skid mark. I was so amazed. M did not think I did, but the exam conclusively showed she was right. I was sure I didn’t tear as well since I was not in pain, and when I went to the bathroom there was not any burning. Amazing!
After that, it was time for Sarah to get the newborn exam. Delilah went around asking how much everyone thought she weighed. I thought she was in the seven pound range. She seemed so small to me. M laughed out loud when I gave that guess. DH guessed 9 lbs 12oz, and it was my understanding that almost everyone else was thinking over 10lbs. She was 9lbs, 8oz., 20 inches long, and had a 14.25 inch head circumference.
She was healthy as could be, and it was great fun to be able to watch and ask questions while the exam was going on. No one was taking Sarah out of my sight without asking me first. I was just amazed. After the exam, I got Sarah in her first diaper, and got her dressed. I was in a state of disbelief. My baby was right there, and I was STANDING minutes after giving birth, laughing, and getting my daughter dressed for the first time all by myself.
After the exam, I was told I had to eat before they left. I had pizza and juice. It was really good. They finished up paperwork, and sure enough, they were all gone. I sat there with my older children asleep, DH fading fast, and little Sarah crashed out. I was so wide awake and I felt like dancing. I knew I needed to sleep, but I had to sit and take in my life. What an amazing gift this day had been.
I am still so thankful to the Lord for the Grace I was shown. I had the most amazing birth that ever occurred. I really believe that, and I praise God!
